It has been over four years…

True to my convictions I have been able to sustain myself with a life away from the cubicle nation for over four years now. I have been able to sustain myself with a minimal and yet contended life. I have not received a penny from anyone for any service of any kind and yet life is going on. I can now say that I am able to successfully set aside my earlier belief that I cannot survive without a paycheck.

Without any inhibitions I can now say that the best of my life in the last four years was the time I spent at the Nandigama school for over an year. It was tough dealing with the environment and yet at the end of the day talking to a few kids would make me forget everything. If I look back I tend to wonder if it was just a dream. I know it was not a dream whenever I receive a call from one of my students who are now pursuing their college degrees.

Staying in Prasanthi Nilayam for the next one year was a very special one. It was simply a dream of a different kind. Whenever I dreamt of a new life in India before returning to India I dreamt of working in a school or living a very engaging hermit’s life in an ashram. God gave me the experience of living both the dreams in my own flesh and blood in the first two years of my new life in India. Too bad He woke me up a little too early.

The change came in the form of a bolt from the blue, two years back, and I had to rush to Hyderabad to stay with my dad during his sunset years. It is tough to see a very strong man, who at one point appeared to be ready to take on a dozen lions at the same time, now crumble to live a desperate life in complete submission to the vagaries of his illness. I am seeing with my own eyes what old age can do to the best of the humans and how they cope with it. I am able to see the true meaning of the term vairagya.

Over the two years I can say that I have not achieved much. When I was in Nandigama or Prasanthi Nilayam there was no difference between my life and my work. Living in Hyderabad that too with an ailing parent and in the vicinity of all friends, relatives and family members is not easy. First it forced me to find the clear dark line that separates my passion from my personal life. I am finding it difficult to navigate my life around this line. There is a wide chasm between what I have designed for myself and what I am actually doing. During these times either my passion suffers or my relationships with my friends and relatives suffer. I am spending a lot of time in evaluating my life and its purpose. My meditation, long walks, writing, reading good books and listening to good music take me into other worlds where I feel most comfortable. I always wondered how our education system failed so miserably in preparing us for a life and all its realities.

I strongly believe that God does not give us anything that is impossible to handle. He, I think, is preparing us for a bigger cause that requires greater forbearance and strength, where and when, only He knows. I just surrender and keep chanting His name and His glory without getting my passion consumed by any extraneous circumstances. When God gives us a good life we don’t ask “why me?”, why should we ask that question in any other situation?

As for the silver lining I am there for my dad when he needed someone by his side in his golden age. I am finding new ways to convert the current “demilitarized zone” between work and life to a more “tranquil border” where my life and my passion are able to crisscross each other with ease.

I am getting better at it! 🙂