A Roller Coaster Ride

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Last 15 months of my life has been a thrilling roller coaster ride. Life taught me more lessons in the last 15 months than those from all my earlier years combined. Once in a while our convictions are put to severe test. Once in a while our utter helplessness stares at us in full glare. Once in a while our abilities and all our intellect fail us in understanding the context that surrounds us. Once in a while our body gives in to the vagaries of nature and we just stay hugged to our beds in silent whispers of prayers. One must be grateful to God if these once in a while things come to us one at a time. Being grateful to God when all these things strike at the same time is difficult. I have gone through all these things in one go. I am now slowly limping back to my routine while still licking my wounds and dragging myself to stand on my feet.

I have no qualms in explaining what brought me down! First a bout of severe spondylitis pain, the kind that I never experienced before. Second, my dad’s deteriorating health condition that culminated in his passing away in November 2016. Being by his side in his sunset years brought me a lot of contentment and satisfaction, but I did not expect that it would also involve a lot of pain and suffering. My dad who was my hero all my life was being forced to submit himself to the whims and fancies of the nature. He faced all of it with an inimitable smile and an indomitable spirit. Watching his fight was a spectacle of Himalayan proportions. He was fighting his conditions like a lion. In comparison I behaved like a lamb when I was handling my own pain. All my education and all my spiritual grounding failed me miserably in handling situations and in understanding the contexts I was living in.

My passion and my life’s goals took a back seat and that was the most depressing part. I had to cancel several of my programmes. On certain days I could not handle more than one thing. On certain worse of the days that one thing meant having my meals and heading straight back to my bed. My professional life was taking a beating from multiple forces coming in from multiple directions. This roller coaster of a ride continued for little over a year. During this period there was no desire left in me to do anything meaningful and purposeful. I spent days lying on my bed and watching the ceiling to no avail. When things are not in our favour even a well deserved sleep deserts us. My dad left for the divine abode and I remained a mute spectator of all the events that unfolded.

To keep myself afloat I constantly reminded myself that things could have been far worse. I kept on counting my blessings and they always turned out to be higher in number than the things that were bringing me down. The balance was certainly in my favour and I needed no other reassurance from the Almighty. Sobha, my more than better half, has been the biggest support. She managed two sick people at home while still pursuing her passion to learn and master Sanskrit.

I sat down to write loads of things in this single post. I will give it a pass. I now understand that it is too difficult to pen down how we dealt with our toughest times in a coherent manner. Many of us go through these cycles of ups and downs only to come back in full force.

I now believe that I found my path of recovery, rehabilitation and repatriation.